I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
