And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She even gives head with a lisp.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
