So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
