if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
