Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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