Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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