You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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