$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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