i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You ruined the universe
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
