He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
