next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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