That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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