i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
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That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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