why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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