My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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