I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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