I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
