I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
