On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
