just come out here and I will go home with you...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
