drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had to coat check the pizza.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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