Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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