You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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