I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
