I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
