i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
