I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
