I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
