How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
