I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize