the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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