i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
