peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
