just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
