I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
