I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
