just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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