I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
