my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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