can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
