Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She's the barista slut.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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