I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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