just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
