dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
