why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
