is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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