if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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