I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
