I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
