Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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