I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
