some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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