the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
