I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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