my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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