I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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