I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
