Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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